Desert Man Wins More.

Desert Man - he's no dessert man.

I never have dessert.

I need to create a positive post after that last post - which wasn't wholly negative. Nothing wrong with acknowledging my feelings.

But the truth is: the winning continues.

Today was Day 3 of working earlier than usual. I got up - I was slow to get up. I went to work and I worked. I worked hard. 

And I got good feedback from my boss. Who is a natural born leader, in my opinion. He's smart and he's generous with advice and wants to lead and make my team great.

And then I had a rough call in the evening.

But then I came home and lifted weights again. And I feel great about that. 

Fuck.

Desert Man is pissed. I should not be pissed. I should not give a fuck.

But I talked to a customer on the phone tonight who was unbelievably rude. And he had the gall to accuse me of being condescending and rude. The truth was, I was keeping my composure while he abused me. He said I was inept. And he said that I failed.

I obviously know that is not true. I understand that this is just a bad person. But what pisses me off is that he exists, for one. And two, that I couldn't tell him to go fuck himself forever.

These kinds of people need to be dismissed. They need to be kicked out of polite society. They should not be allowed to abuse hard-working people just because they are paying money.

He may have even had some legitimate concerns - but he was still a complete fuckhead. A complete fuckhead.

The call went like this, basically. Imagine that Fuckhead has a really, sassy effeminate voice. Because he did. I'm just going to use generic terms for what work I'm doing because I don't really want to get lost in specifics.

Desert Man: Hello, how can I help you?
Fuckhead: My name is Fuckhead Dickweed.
Desert Man: Oh, hello, Mr. Dickweed. I called you earlier to give you an update.
Fuckhead: You did?
Desert Man: Yes, sir. I was trying to reach you because I wanted to let you know that we're still working on your case and are trying to make a determination and are awaiting more information.
Fuckhead: Ok, wait a minute. Are you a manager? Because you're just talking and I don't even know who you are.
(At this point I already sensed this was going to be extremely difficult. His tone was unbelievably snarky)
Desert Man: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Dickweed, I'm a case handler in the case handling department.
Fuckhead: Ok, well, I just want to let you know that this has been very inconvenient for me.
Desert Man: Yes, I apologize that it has been a bit of an ordeal.
Fuckhead: It's been more than a little ordeal, it's been a huge inconvenience. In any case, finish what you were saying.
Desert Man: Yes, well, I was just letting you know I spoke to the man at the place and he said he would send us an update and then we would contact you once we made a determination.
Fuckhead: Get to the point. You're wasting my time.

Jesus. I can barely go on. This guy was a complete fucking asshole. A prick. A total fuckwad.

Desert Man: Sorry, Mr. Dickweed. I'm just trying to explain our process here.
Fuckhead: I don't care. Get to the point.
Desert Man: Ok, so we're just awaiting the determination.
Fuckhead: Ok, that's not any information at all. You're inept. I want to talk to someone else. You've been nothing but dismissive, rude, and condescending.
Desert Man: Ok. let me get a manager.

I put him on hold and he hangs up and calls a coworker who has to deal with him.

AAAAAAAAAGH! Why do these fucking assholes get under my skin? It's because I want to tell them off but I can't. And further, when people abuse me I often find that I think I deserve it. That I have to justify why they were wrong. This happened to me the other day actually - my brother lost it on me and told me, "Fuck you, etc." in a really loud and angry voice. And it was such bullshit. But I spent all this time in my mind and to others trying to justify why he was wrong, that I didn't deserve it. Of course I didn't deserve it! I'm not saying people aren't justified in being angry at me every once and a while, but I have boundaries. People can't yell at me and call me names and say fuck you and call me inept.

This fuckhead who talked to me today - he wants to abuse people who have no power to fight back. Probably because his dad was an asshole to him or his mom. Or his brother. Just like my fucking brother can be a complete asshole to me. I don't have to take that shit. Abusive fucking people. Fuck. Fuck 'em.

Desert Man's Winning Continues.

I hesitate to say that "I'm back" but by God I'm having a decent run. 

Desert Man's having a decent run.

Two days in a row. Eating healthy - doing what must be done.

Got up this morning feeling just okay - I did not get to sleep as early as I wanted to last night and had to drink a bottle and a third of wine just to get to sleep past my bed time.

But I got up and slammed a V8. I'd showered the night before so I didn't need a shower. I just made tea and left the house. I was going to walk but I did not walk. I drove. 

Work went well. I was productive. I did what needed to be done. And when I got off, about a half hour after close, I did not think I was going to come home and work out.

I went to the liquor store and bought beer. The first time I'd been to my regular liquor store in a while. 

Came home and I worked out. I did it. I won. 

I ate a pork chop and some kale. And I called a good friend who I needed to catch up with. And the call was very good. 

And now I'm relaxing and drinking beer. 

And I'm thinking. I'm thinking: What's next for Desert Man? What can the Desert Man do to win even more? 

What is the meaning of Desert Man's existence?

Desert Man Wins.

Today was a win for Desert Man. It was not an overwhelmingly amazing day - nothing truly special happened; but enough little good things happened that it's a win.

And I'll take wins when I can get them.

Got up earlier than usual to work an hour of overtime.
I drank a V8.
Made tea.
I showered - that's a win. I don't always get up and shower - even when I need to.

I know that I need to get my haircut and I need to shave. I have grown a weird, patchy, shitty beard. And it has to go.
And it will go eventually. This weekend most likely. I'll shave the beard and get a haircut.

And I need a new belt. A new belt to go with my new shoes.
I'm wearing a brown belt with these - I don't know what the hell color they are, beige? - shoes.

I think the shoes are funny. They are different from my brown Clarks which I've worn every day since I started work. They're more effeminate. It's a weird look for me. It's metro. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. But I'm going with it.

I worked hard at work. I don't think I slacked off in any way. And I was productive as hell. I drank black tea all day.

My boss suddenly left for some kind of emergency at home. Not sure what that was, but his leaving was jarring.

I had some superficial, work-related interaction with this girl who I think likes me - and is very attractive. She has a boyfriend but I feel some energy between us. I could be projecting it but I don't think so. I really feel it. I'm not making it up. At least I don't think I am.

I left work only fifteen minutes after close. I often stay later.

I drove to the gas station and bought five dollars worth of gas, but, like, 15 bucks of wine. Not a win - but not a complete and total loss.

Came home, and lifted weights. I didn't go as ham as I could have but I did it. I worked out at home of my own volition. A win. A motherfucking win.

And then I made dinner - pork chops and kale salad. A motherfucking win. I baked the chops - I think I might have overcooked them but they're still delicious. I only ate one and put the rest in tupperware - for tomorrow and the next day. Every time I work out after work I can eat a pork chop.

Relaxing now. Drinking the wine I bought. Watching a VHS tape. And tomorrow I'm going to win even more.

Desert Man wins.

Desert Man's Dull Day.

Woke up this morning just a few minutes before the alarm; not tired but not energetic either.

I had taken two benadryl last night, two advil, and several gulps of scotch whiskey. And I slept for a long time.

I woke up and made tea. And then showered. And then I put on a pair of gray pants I've had for a while and worn many times. But I wore a new blue shirt. And it's a bright blue, aqua blue. And I wore new shoes. And I felt weird about the outfit. Something different about it. I don't often wear bright colors. I wasn't sure if I looked ridiculous or not. I haven't shaved in a while. So my beard, though patchy, is out of control. Nothing like a full beard. Just out of control facial pubes.

I had thought about walking to work but decided against it because I had to run to the grocery store after work. And the grocery store is driving distance.

I got to work and work was not too hectic. On my first break I sat and texted with my ex. On my lunch break I went and refilled my tea mug with hot water and put in fresh tea bags and then sat by myself in a building far away from my building where I work. It feels nice to get some solitude on lunch.

I got out of work pretty much on time. I work the last shift in my department and I can't leave until all phone calls are taken care of which takes me past 7pm most nights. Tonight I left close to 7pm. Just a little after. And a manager who I have always been afraid of because she seems mean was actually being warm and friendly, and she was wearing an interesting dark green shirt. I said goodbye to my friend who works the last shift with me. He was still working when I left.

I drove to get groceries. The traffic was intense. Street construction.

I stopped off to stuff myself with Chinese fast food before going into the grocery store. The staff at the chinese fast food place is no good. Not friendly.

I sat by myself, stuffing my face with more food than I needed. I felt tired, sick. I'm still getting over my illness.

I got into the car and drove through the parking lot to the grocery store. It's a grocery store I've never been in. But it's the one right next to the chinese fast food place.

It was busy with college students. Annoying college students.

Dead-eyed kids. Some attractive. Bros. Nothing wrong with bro's. These were dead eyed people.

I got what I needed: two boxes of black tea, bath tissue, stew meat, and a meat thermometer. I waited in line behind two chinese kids. Weird looking chinese kids. I checked out.

I drove home. Traffic: slow. Super slow. Too slow. "Take a letter, Maria." "Jump." That was the kind of schlock on the radio. Nothing good.

Got home. Checked mail. Nothing good.

Now: drinking scotch and water. "The Maltese Falcon" on VHS. Sleep: soon.

Work: earlier than normal.

And the desert is cooling off.

Return of Desert Man.

Desert Man almost forgot he existed.
Desert Man doesn't drive Uber anymore and that's a blessing.
Desert Man has another job now. A decent paying job.
Desert Man still has creditors & many debts.

Enough of the third person. I could spend a lot of time updating. I feel like my head is not above water but I have a breathing mask on, at the very least. Shitty metaphor.
Bad bad confidence. But better.

Been sick. Lifted weights yesterday reardless. Sore today. Tired.
And drinking now. Sipping. Scotch with water.
And watching Color of Money. Balls and a stick.

Cannot get sicker.

Went down to the parents' this weekend. There was a blow-up: my brother and I. Differences of opinion. A lot of those going on these days.

We made up and went to the gym together. And this morning our mom took us to the store and bought us food even though we did not deserve it.

Work tomorrow. And after work I will lift weights. And clean up. And my life will improve every day.

Every day:
-get more attractive
-get healthier
-create something.

Those are the goals.

For now, I'm giving up on quitting drinking. Quitting drinking is not something I am prepared to do right now.

But to reduce drinking. And do it healthier. That I can do.

Desert Man Under Pressure.

Yesterday was a good day. Important to celebrate the good days.

I walked in the desert, got a haircut and later I had a good time driving Uber. I made better money than I've made in a while, had a steady stream of rides.

But I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow. And now I really had better make some money. I need to make $850 just to pay rent before I start work on the 22nd. I won't have as much time to drive after that. And I also have to make $450 to give to my creditors. I am under financial pressure. I am scared.

I have been listening to the audiobook of "Open" by Andre Agassi. He is a man of the desert too, having grown up in Las Vegas. I'm enjoying the account of his life. It strikes me that he did most of what he did because he had to, not because he wanted to. I identify with that.

Last night, when I got home from driving I drank, of course. I finally have to get up early tomorrow. I can't drink as much tonight.

I have much to do today. But it will get done.

I need to focus on staying positive - talking to myself in a positive way. Coaching myself. Much of what Andre Agassi did that was positive was because he coached himself.

I'm okay today. I will do what needs to get done. One thing at a time. Shut out self-defeating thoughts. It will be alright.