Yesterday was a good day. Important to celebrate the good days.
I walked in the desert, got a haircut and later I had a good time driving Uber. I made better money than I've made in a while, had a steady stream of rides.
But I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow. And now I really had better make some money. I need to make $850 just to pay rent before I start work on the 22nd. I won't have as much time to drive after that. And I also have to make $450 to give to my creditors. I am under financial pressure. I am scared.
I have been listening to the audiobook of "Open" by Andre Agassi. He is a man of the desert too, having grown up in Las Vegas. I'm enjoying the account of his life. It strikes me that he did most of what he did because he had to, not because he wanted to. I identify with that.
Last night, when I got home from driving I drank, of course. I finally have to get up early tomorrow. I can't drink as much tonight.
I have much to do today. But it will get done.
I need to focus on staying positive - talking to myself in a positive way. Coaching myself. Much of what Andre Agassi did that was positive was because he coached himself.
I'm okay today. I will do what needs to get done. One thing at a time. Shut out self-defeating thoughts. It will be alright.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Desert Man's Engagement With Life
My jaw hurts.
Yesterday, I got dental work done - two fillings. As the right side of my face went numb and the dentist and his assistant were poking and prodding in my mouth I had a panic attack. It wasn't just my face that went numb - my whole body went numb and for a second I was unsure if I could breathe or not. My higher self sprung into action. "You're okay. You aren't dying. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine." I started to take control of my own breathing. Slow breaths, in and out of my nose. Breathing through my mouth didn't seem like an option anyway. It was full of dentil utensils.
Right before the procedure, the dental hygienist took my blood pressure. It was high. I knew it would be high. I was feeling stressed. I was shaking when I walked into the dentist's office. I, of course, was drunk the night before. And I had been Ubering all day. And using tobacco all day. And right when I sat down in the dentist's chair I got a call from an employer in my field who was offering me a job that I knew I would not take, and of course being a coward, I did not want to tell them no. So I was stressed. And my blood pressure was high. Take all those stressors, plus the fact that my blood pressure was much higher than it should be for a man my age, plus that fact that strangers were poking around my mouth - well, those are the ingredients for a panic attack.
But I beat it.
And now my mouth is healthier than it has been for a while. And I turned down the job. And so I'm set up. I have a job, albeit outside of my chosen field. But I have been ambivalent about my chosen field since I started graduate school - graduate school that was expensive and focused on my chosen field. And I have an apartment of my own for the first time ever. I've always lived with family, roommates, a girlfriend, family again. I'm going to be on my own.
It is absolutely, 100%, completely, totally time for me to take control of my life.
Stop boozing. Stop using tobacco. Stop compulsively masturbating. Stop isolating.
Time to get in shape. Time to have a social life. Time to take care of my soul.
I'm not leaving the desert. Not until I've figured it out. Like Christ. He went into the desert for over a month, I believe (I'm woefully out of touch with the Bible at this point. Note to self: refamiliarize thyself with the Bible). I've been here for how long? Four months. It'll be a while longer. But when I emerge from the desert. My spirit will be stronger. My body will be stronger. My mind will be stronger. My fucking bank account will be stronger. I know this.
Of course, I have my doubts. Here's a scenario: I move into my new place. I get complacent. I don't do shit. I sit around all day. I booze. I spend money like there's no tomorrow. No prayer, no meditation, no exercise, no self-control.
Is self-control in everyone? Is it a muscle? If it's a muscle I use it - a little at first, and then a lot. It gets bigger. Then it defines me.
Dear God: what defines me now and why?
And dear God: what is my calling?
Yesterday, I got dental work done - two fillings. As the right side of my face went numb and the dentist and his assistant were poking and prodding in my mouth I had a panic attack. It wasn't just my face that went numb - my whole body went numb and for a second I was unsure if I could breathe or not. My higher self sprung into action. "You're okay. You aren't dying. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine." I started to take control of my own breathing. Slow breaths, in and out of my nose. Breathing through my mouth didn't seem like an option anyway. It was full of dentil utensils.
Right before the procedure, the dental hygienist took my blood pressure. It was high. I knew it would be high. I was feeling stressed. I was shaking when I walked into the dentist's office. I, of course, was drunk the night before. And I had been Ubering all day. And using tobacco all day. And right when I sat down in the dentist's chair I got a call from an employer in my field who was offering me a job that I knew I would not take, and of course being a coward, I did not want to tell them no. So I was stressed. And my blood pressure was high. Take all those stressors, plus the fact that my blood pressure was much higher than it should be for a man my age, plus that fact that strangers were poking around my mouth - well, those are the ingredients for a panic attack.
But I beat it.
And now my mouth is healthier than it has been for a while. And I turned down the job. And so I'm set up. I have a job, albeit outside of my chosen field. But I have been ambivalent about my chosen field since I started graduate school - graduate school that was expensive and focused on my chosen field. And I have an apartment of my own for the first time ever. I've always lived with family, roommates, a girlfriend, family again. I'm going to be on my own.
It is absolutely, 100%, completely, totally time for me to take control of my life.
Stop boozing. Stop using tobacco. Stop compulsively masturbating. Stop isolating.
Time to get in shape. Time to have a social life. Time to take care of my soul.
I'm not leaving the desert. Not until I've figured it out. Like Christ. He went into the desert for over a month, I believe (I'm woefully out of touch with the Bible at this point. Note to self: refamiliarize thyself with the Bible). I've been here for how long? Four months. It'll be a while longer. But when I emerge from the desert. My spirit will be stronger. My body will be stronger. My mind will be stronger. My fucking bank account will be stronger. I know this.
Of course, I have my doubts. Here's a scenario: I move into my new place. I get complacent. I don't do shit. I sit around all day. I booze. I spend money like there's no tomorrow. No prayer, no meditation, no exercise, no self-control.
Is self-control in everyone? Is it a muscle? If it's a muscle I use it - a little at first, and then a lot. It gets bigger. Then it defines me.
Dear God: what defines me now and why?
And dear God: what is my calling?
Monday, April 24, 2017
Desert Man's Difficulties
I had a stressful week last week. An intense and stressful week. And the stress was completely of my own mind's manufacturing.
But that stress is over. And I thought that once that stress was over - I don't want to go into what it was because of how profoundly silly it really was - that I would now be stress free. But now I have other stressors. It's like I'm addicted to manufacturing stress. I have some things I need to work on.
I drove Uber very little as a result of my stress. I would tell my family I was going out Ubering and then just sit in a restaurant or bar. And stress out. The only thing keeping me together has been exercise. Walking in the desert.
But that stress is over. And I thought that once that stress was over - I don't want to go into what it was because of how profoundly silly it really was - that I would now be stress free. But now I have other stressors. It's like I'm addicted to manufacturing stress. I have some things I need to work on.
I drove Uber very little as a result of my stress. I would tell my family I was going out Ubering and then just sit in a restaurant or bar. And stress out. The only thing keeping me together has been exercise. Walking in the desert.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Desert Man is Drinking
Desert Man is watching a Golden State Warriors basketball game on DVR with dad.
Went for a desert walk today. Didn't see any rattlesnakes. Saw some lizards, saw some quail, saw a bull staring at me. And I listened to the memoir of Phil Knight, founder of Nike. While wearing Nikes. I enjoyed the experience.
What did I think about? I don't remember thinking about anything too stressful. I thought about how once I moved out of my parents' house I'd get into a running routine, running down a path just as the hot desert sun is setting over the big desert town to which I'm moving. I wondered if I'd mind commuting far to work.
But I mostly just listened to the audiobook and let myself be swept away by a story of a man in the process of making untold riches selling the very shoes I was wearing on my feet.
I'm drinking now, of course, even though I'd resolved otherwise.
I had the thought earlier that I'm not an alcoholic - that I just have a bad habit that I fight everyday. But I fight it everyday and lose. Something must be done. Something absolutely must be done.
Tomorrow, as mentioned, I go to the big desert town and look for apartments. I'm bringing my mom with me, and as I believe I said before I have no idea why. As a favor to her. She would like that. And I never know if I am making the right decision. I need her to affirm my decision making.
I don't remember what I was doing, shopping for a shirt maybe, and I was afraid of making the wrong decision. My brother was with me. He asked, "Are you always this afraid?" My God, I am always afraid.
The walk and the shower after, alternating hot and cold, were a good punctuation mark on a good day. The whole family walked to their residential community's model homes. The model homes were nice and we all had good laughs. The model homes made me wish I had more resources to live in a nice place. At my age, my dad had much more resources than I do now. He worked harder, but the world was different too.
I could work harder.
We had a tremendous brunch of hash browns, glazed ham, eggs florentine, and fruit salad. And then we hunted for Easter baskets. Then it was nap time. I didn't nap, but just looked at my phone. I said goodbye to my brother who went home and then I went for my walk.
And now I'm drinking.
Went for a desert walk today. Didn't see any rattlesnakes. Saw some lizards, saw some quail, saw a bull staring at me. And I listened to the memoir of Phil Knight, founder of Nike. While wearing Nikes. I enjoyed the experience.
What did I think about? I don't remember thinking about anything too stressful. I thought about how once I moved out of my parents' house I'd get into a running routine, running down a path just as the hot desert sun is setting over the big desert town to which I'm moving. I wondered if I'd mind commuting far to work.
But I mostly just listened to the audiobook and let myself be swept away by a story of a man in the process of making untold riches selling the very shoes I was wearing on my feet.
I'm drinking now, of course, even though I'd resolved otherwise.
I had the thought earlier that I'm not an alcoholic - that I just have a bad habit that I fight everyday. But I fight it everyday and lose. Something must be done. Something absolutely must be done.
Tomorrow, as mentioned, I go to the big desert town and look for apartments. I'm bringing my mom with me, and as I believe I said before I have no idea why. As a favor to her. She would like that. And I never know if I am making the right decision. I need her to affirm my decision making.
I don't remember what I was doing, shopping for a shirt maybe, and I was afraid of making the wrong decision. My brother was with me. He asked, "Are you always this afraid?" My God, I am always afraid.
The walk and the shower after, alternating hot and cold, were a good punctuation mark on a good day. The whole family walked to their residential community's model homes. The model homes were nice and we all had good laughs. The model homes made me wish I had more resources to live in a nice place. At my age, my dad had much more resources than I do now. He worked harder, but the world was different too.
I could work harder.
We had a tremendous brunch of hash browns, glazed ham, eggs florentine, and fruit salad. And then we hunted for Easter baskets. Then it was nap time. I didn't nap, but just looked at my phone. I said goodbye to my brother who went home and then I went for my walk.
And now I'm drinking.
Desert Man Rising
It's not lost on me that Jesus was a Desert Man. However, I am not attempting to make a comparison.
I've always appreciated the symbolism of this holiday, Easter. And I wish today would begin a resurrection for me. Less boozing, more exercise, less fear, more action. I drank a lot lost night. And now I have the beer bottles hiding in my room. My room is now overflowing with hidden bottles. I am running out of places to put them. It's truly pathetic. I'm 30 years old. I'm hiding beer bottles from my parents. It's getting old.
Today, there will be brunch with family, there will be gifts, there will be walking. Walking in the desert. I've been doing that a lot. I have a tan to show for it, come to love a nearby mountain, and had some run-ins with rattlesnakes among other animals.
The first animals I saw that scared me were coyotes. But I didn't know they weren't a threat. They run away when you get close. One day, I was out on a walk and I turned to look and saw a gigantic bull staring at me. It scared me but then I realized he was behind a barded-wire fence (though I did wonder how much protection that would offer me if he chose to charge anyway).
Then one day I was walking and I heard a new, unfamiliar sound. A rattling. I looked over. It was a rattle snake coiled up and warning me. I walked on. I wasn't too frightened. But then one day I saw him again and he was right in front of me. He rattled. I ran away.
I love these encounters with wildlife, though to the outdoors enthusiast they may seem small.
Today, I resolve not to drink. I resolve to walk.
I've always appreciated the symbolism of this holiday, Easter. And I wish today would begin a resurrection for me. Less boozing, more exercise, less fear, more action. I drank a lot lost night. And now I have the beer bottles hiding in my room. My room is now overflowing with hidden bottles. I am running out of places to put them. It's truly pathetic. I'm 30 years old. I'm hiding beer bottles from my parents. It's getting old.
Today, there will be brunch with family, there will be gifts, there will be walking. Walking in the desert. I've been doing that a lot. I have a tan to show for it, come to love a nearby mountain, and had some run-ins with rattlesnakes among other animals.
The first animals I saw that scared me were coyotes. But I didn't know they weren't a threat. They run away when you get close. One day, I was out on a walk and I turned to look and saw a gigantic bull staring at me. It scared me but then I realized he was behind a barded-wire fence (though I did wonder how much protection that would offer me if he chose to charge anyway).
Then one day I was walking and I heard a new, unfamiliar sound. A rattling. I looked over. It was a rattle snake coiled up and warning me. I walked on. I wasn't too frightened. But then one day I saw him again and he was right in front of me. He rattled. I ran away.
I love these encounters with wildlife, though to the outdoors enthusiast they may seem small.
Today, I resolve not to drink. I resolve to walk.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Desert Man Celebrates.
As mentioned, I have been searching for a job for quite a while. During this search, I have been living with my mom and dad. It has not been the proudest moment of my life but others have said I should not make such a big deal out of it. Who are these people? I don't recall. Maybe I have invented their voices to make myself feel better. Alternately, I may have minimized their voices because I love to maximize drama. The drama of being a big loser living with his parents. That is the kind of narrative I would amplify.
As mentioned, I have found a job. As mentioned, it is not in my field. What has not been mentioned, it is at a company to which I have many family connections. I did everything I could to get this job. But I also believe I might have gotten it no matter my qualifications and effort. So it is hard for me to celebrate the hire based on merit - as in, "Wow, I worked so hard, I am so smart, I got the job." But I am happy to celebrate the fact that I am finally going to be employed.
My dad promised he would take me out to our favorite restaurant if I got a job. He made good on his promise tonight. And my brother, having come down for Easter, went with us. And while I was being toasted for my success, my mom couldn't resist also toasting my brother for some lesser success. And it made me very upset. And I showed it. And everyone at the table (my brother excluded) took exception to that. But I didn't flag in showing that I was upset that my brother must also be honored at my dinner - at my dinner, no matter how small the occasion. I wanted to be honored and honored fully. No apology was extended to me. And I felt slightly ridiculous. But I think it was the right thing to do, to stand up for myself.
It would be hard to go into the history of my brother's monopoly on the family's emotional energy so I won't. I have always had less drama. And I feel that my life's subservience to my brother's issues has meant that I must hide who I really am. And today I have some real issues: crushing debt and problem drinking - and I hide them. And I hope those things will go away. And maybe they will. But maybe they won't. Only time will tell.
As mentioned, I have found a job. As mentioned, it is not in my field. What has not been mentioned, it is at a company to which I have many family connections. I did everything I could to get this job. But I also believe I might have gotten it no matter my qualifications and effort. So it is hard for me to celebrate the hire based on merit - as in, "Wow, I worked so hard, I am so smart, I got the job." But I am happy to celebrate the fact that I am finally going to be employed.
My dad promised he would take me out to our favorite restaurant if I got a job. He made good on his promise tonight. And my brother, having come down for Easter, went with us. And while I was being toasted for my success, my mom couldn't resist also toasting my brother for some lesser success. And it made me very upset. And I showed it. And everyone at the table (my brother excluded) took exception to that. But I didn't flag in showing that I was upset that my brother must also be honored at my dinner - at my dinner, no matter how small the occasion. I wanted to be honored and honored fully. No apology was extended to me. And I felt slightly ridiculous. But I think it was the right thing to do, to stand up for myself.
It would be hard to go into the history of my brother's monopoly on the family's emotional energy so I won't. I have always had less drama. And I feel that my life's subservience to my brother's issues has meant that I must hide who I really am. And today I have some real issues: crushing debt and problem drinking - and I hide them. And I hope those things will go away. And maybe they will. But maybe they won't. Only time will tell.
Desert Man and the RQ (Relaxation Question).
Damn. I'm already starting to overthink blogging.
Anyway, the relaxation question. I was about to say that I was making an effort to relax. Or maybe that I made no effort to relax today. I forget which. But it occurred to me, that no effort should be put into relaxing whatsoever.
One of the reasons I find it so hard to relax is due to my engagement with world events. I would honestly like to give no hint of my politics - I do lean a certain way, but my domestic politics aside I'll say this: I'd prefer for there not to be any international conflict. I see international conflict as possible and whenever that's the case I get anxious.
But today, I don't know if I relaxed or not honestly. I did the dishes and that was an enjoyable activity. I liked the order it brought to the world. I emptied the dishwasher and not only that but I hand washed and dried the dishes that were dirty and I put them away. I think that was the highlight of my day.
Then I went with my mom and brother to the outlet mall. I tried on some clothes and in fact, my mother bought me some clothes. I don't love trying on clothes. I am overweight and I hate that. I should say that I'm mostly overweight because I drink too much. I exercise often - not strenuously but often. And I eat ok. But I drink too much. Nevertheless, I got some good clothes. And I am not as overweight as my brother. But that comparison doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. For my brother.
The outlet mall was teeming with people. Mostly Mexicans. At the store I got my clothes from there was an extremely cute young woman. She was being very nice to everyone, including me. I love it when people are nice to me.
We went into a store that was for children, with stuffed toys everywhere. Stuffed toys bring out the best in my family. We love animals and other cute, furry things - we're cat people. It was a positive experience, the toy store. It allowed my brother and I to get an Easter present for mom.
When we got back I engaged in bad habits - sitting in bed, looking at pornography (which I think is awful), doing nothing. And now here I sit, drinking again.
I want to give up drinking but I don't. It provides as much comfort as anything in my life. Maybe the solution is embracing discomfort.
Anyway, the relaxation question. I was about to say that I was making an effort to relax. Or maybe that I made no effort to relax today. I forget which. But it occurred to me, that no effort should be put into relaxing whatsoever.
One of the reasons I find it so hard to relax is due to my engagement with world events. I would honestly like to give no hint of my politics - I do lean a certain way, but my domestic politics aside I'll say this: I'd prefer for there not to be any international conflict. I see international conflict as possible and whenever that's the case I get anxious.
But today, I don't know if I relaxed or not honestly. I did the dishes and that was an enjoyable activity. I liked the order it brought to the world. I emptied the dishwasher and not only that but I hand washed and dried the dishes that were dirty and I put them away. I think that was the highlight of my day.
Then I went with my mom and brother to the outlet mall. I tried on some clothes and in fact, my mother bought me some clothes. I don't love trying on clothes. I am overweight and I hate that. I should say that I'm mostly overweight because I drink too much. I exercise often - not strenuously but often. And I eat ok. But I drink too much. Nevertheless, I got some good clothes. And I am not as overweight as my brother. But that comparison doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. For my brother.
The outlet mall was teeming with people. Mostly Mexicans. At the store I got my clothes from there was an extremely cute young woman. She was being very nice to everyone, including me. I love it when people are nice to me.
We went into a store that was for children, with stuffed toys everywhere. Stuffed toys bring out the best in my family. We love animals and other cute, furry things - we're cat people. It was a positive experience, the toy store. It allowed my brother and I to get an Easter present for mom.
When we got back I engaged in bad habits - sitting in bed, looking at pornography (which I think is awful), doing nothing. And now here I sit, drinking again.
I want to give up drinking but I don't. It provides as much comfort as anything in my life. Maybe the solution is embracing discomfort.
Can Desert Man Relax?
Today Desert Man is not going to be driving Uber.
Nor will I be driving Uber tomorrow or the next day.
My reason is simple: my brother is in town. He's in the Desert Man Family Desert Compound for the weekend. And on Monday, I'm going to the bigger desert town to look at apartments. I have decided to bring my mother with me for this excursion. I have no idea why.
I have trouble relaxing on days I plan on driving. I have trouble relaxing on the days I have off. I have had altogether trouble relaxing.
Will I relax today? Right now, I'm in the Courtyard of the Desert Man Family Desert Compound. My cat is out here, as is my parents' cat. They are relaxing. I'm drinking coffee. I have a snus in my mouth (Snus is a pouch of tobacco that sits in your mouth).
I guess I'm kind of relaxed. I get up every morning. Get up late usually. Not too late. But late by adult human standards. Like always, I drank last night. Not a ton, but a lot by normal adult human standards. Waking up every morning having drank the night before does not facilitate relaxation. Nor does getting up and charging myself up with caffeine and nicotine.
Living with my parents does not help. I think of their expectations for what I should do. I feel pressure. I charge myself up. I do what I can to not look lazy. But the truth is, I'm lazy.
The Relaxation Question. It must be addressed.
Nor will I be driving Uber tomorrow or the next day.
My reason is simple: my brother is in town. He's in the Desert Man Family Desert Compound for the weekend. And on Monday, I'm going to the bigger desert town to look at apartments. I have decided to bring my mother with me for this excursion. I have no idea why.
I have trouble relaxing on days I plan on driving. I have trouble relaxing on the days I have off. I have had altogether trouble relaxing.
Will I relax today? Right now, I'm in the Courtyard of the Desert Man Family Desert Compound. My cat is out here, as is my parents' cat. They are relaxing. I'm drinking coffee. I have a snus in my mouth (Snus is a pouch of tobacco that sits in your mouth).
I guess I'm kind of relaxed. I get up every morning. Get up late usually. Not too late. But late by adult human standards. Like always, I drank last night. Not a ton, but a lot by normal adult human standards. Waking up every morning having drank the night before does not facilitate relaxation. Nor does getting up and charging myself up with caffeine and nicotine.
Living with my parents does not help. I think of their expectations for what I should do. I feel pressure. I charge myself up. I do what I can to not look lazy. But the truth is, I'm lazy.
The Relaxation Question. It must be addressed.
Desert Man Has a Job.
After several months of searching, I finally found a job. Just the other day I got the offer. And even with all my debt, the salary will be enough to live on. I expect to be getting another job offer shortly. A job offer in my field. But I'm forgoing it. I have my reasons.
This new job means I have to move from one desert town to another. A larger desert town. I have mixed feelings about this. What I don't have mixed feelings about is having a job. I want a job. I need a job.
But now I have to find an apartment whose rent will not be too burdensome, while still being in a nice part of town and not being a total dump. It's a challenge these days to do anything: find a job, find a reasonably priced apartment that's not in a slum. The collapse has already happened.
And already I find my tone going dark. I don't want to be a dark person. I want to be a light person. Not a light-skinned person. I have a good tan going from walks in the desert. Nothing against light-skinned people. I love them.
But this apartment search is made all the more difficult by the fact that I have next to no money. My dad will be paying the first month's rent and deposit and all of that. So to a certain extent, I feel I have to satisfy his expectations. And then there's my mom. She has another set of expectations. And my brother, who lives in this new desert town to which I'll be moving. He's been pressuring me to get a place with him. I've lived with him before. It was a disaster. I am not doing that again.
So what must be done is this: I have to shut out the noise, be a man, and make the right decision for me. It's a challenge for me. I'm sensitive. I'm weak. I bow to pressure. But this must change.
Friday, April 14, 2017
A Day of Driving Uber in the Desert
I'm 30 years old.
I'm unemployed.
I live with my parents. Not for much longer. But I live with my parents.
I live in a desert town.
I have a car. My grandma loaned me the money for the car. $14,000. I bought it after I wrecked the other car I owned. I wrecked the other car I owned one morning, trying to make a left turn. I was getting some Powerade before work. I was hungover. I made a left turn into an intersection. And I got hit bad.
I have a car. So while I live with my parents and have no money and have no job and no nothing at least I have a car. So I can drive Uber.
I have a strange relationship with Uber. I dread doing it every time I have to do it. And I have to do it. I'm in serious debt. And I cannot tell anyone. But why can't I tell anyone?
I can't tell anyone because I have an image to uphold. An image of someone who is at least somewhat responsible. Who is not completely a mess. But I am completely a mess.
Good god: tens of thousands of dollars of debt. And an alcohol habit. I hide it from my parents with whom I live. Drink the beer in my room. Try to pay the debt with money I don't have.
Today I drove Uber in the desert. Made very little money. My first ride, I remember. I picked him up on a hiking trail in a state park. Late 30's, early 40's. Thin. He didn't much want to talk. He was a runner. He didn't want to talk at first, anyway. I got him to open up. He grew up here. Doesn't live here anymore. Is visiting. Might move back here. Lives in the Northwest. Owns a restaurant with his wife. I dropped him off and wondered what would happen next.
Who was my next ride? A woman. Blonde. She had a little paunch. Tattoos. I picked her up outside of a fast food joint. I took her to a convenience store. She bought cigarettes. She kept calling me honey. Or sweetie. Then I took her home. To a trailer park.
My next ride was also a woman. African-American. Tall. Early 20's or late teens. Picked her up from work. A place I once almost worked, early in my desert job search. Scary. I took her to McDonalds. Waited forever. I listened to sports talk radio while I waited. It was getting very hot. I took her home to a nice house. I commented on the house, in fact - "Neat house," I said.
Then I picked up a man. Hispanic. Wearing dark clothing. He was in his 30's, I think. Smoking an e-cig. I took him to work at a luxury hotel restaurant. He was nice, and talkative early on. But it was a long ride and we both went silent. The night before I'd picked up some women from the same hotel. They were the wrong riders and I only discovered the mistake when we got to the destination. It was the wrong destination because they were the wrong riders. I took them to the right destination. But I felt like shit. I felt afraid. Like Uber was going to let me go right then and there.
My next riders were a couple. Adults. Parents. Extraordinarily nice people. Nice home. I took them from their home to a nice restaurant. We had a wonderful conversation. They made me feel good.
But then I had to pick up a worthless college student. Not talkative. Took him just a few blocks from a dorm to an apartment. I gave him a bad rating - because I am spiteful. And then I picked up a woman with a baby. Took the baby to daycare and then took the woman to work. When that was over, I decided I was done and it was 5pm. I bought booze. I drank two Jack Daniels mini-bottles in the car on the way back to my parents. And beer when I got home.
I'm unemployed.
I live with my parents. Not for much longer. But I live with my parents.
I live in a desert town.
I have a car. My grandma loaned me the money for the car. $14,000. I bought it after I wrecked the other car I owned. I wrecked the other car I owned one morning, trying to make a left turn. I was getting some Powerade before work. I was hungover. I made a left turn into an intersection. And I got hit bad.
I have a car. So while I live with my parents and have no money and have no job and no nothing at least I have a car. So I can drive Uber.
I have a strange relationship with Uber. I dread doing it every time I have to do it. And I have to do it. I'm in serious debt. And I cannot tell anyone. But why can't I tell anyone?
I can't tell anyone because I have an image to uphold. An image of someone who is at least somewhat responsible. Who is not completely a mess. But I am completely a mess.
Good god: tens of thousands of dollars of debt. And an alcohol habit. I hide it from my parents with whom I live. Drink the beer in my room. Try to pay the debt with money I don't have.
Today I drove Uber in the desert. Made very little money. My first ride, I remember. I picked him up on a hiking trail in a state park. Late 30's, early 40's. Thin. He didn't much want to talk. He was a runner. He didn't want to talk at first, anyway. I got him to open up. He grew up here. Doesn't live here anymore. Is visiting. Might move back here. Lives in the Northwest. Owns a restaurant with his wife. I dropped him off and wondered what would happen next.
Who was my next ride? A woman. Blonde. She had a little paunch. Tattoos. I picked her up outside of a fast food joint. I took her to a convenience store. She bought cigarettes. She kept calling me honey. Or sweetie. Then I took her home. To a trailer park.
My next ride was also a woman. African-American. Tall. Early 20's or late teens. Picked her up from work. A place I once almost worked, early in my desert job search. Scary. I took her to McDonalds. Waited forever. I listened to sports talk radio while I waited. It was getting very hot. I took her home to a nice house. I commented on the house, in fact - "Neat house," I said.
Then I picked up a man. Hispanic. Wearing dark clothing. He was in his 30's, I think. Smoking an e-cig. I took him to work at a luxury hotel restaurant. He was nice, and talkative early on. But it was a long ride and we both went silent. The night before I'd picked up some women from the same hotel. They were the wrong riders and I only discovered the mistake when we got to the destination. It was the wrong destination because they were the wrong riders. I took them to the right destination. But I felt like shit. I felt afraid. Like Uber was going to let me go right then and there.
My next riders were a couple. Adults. Parents. Extraordinarily nice people. Nice home. I took them from their home to a nice restaurant. We had a wonderful conversation. They made me feel good.
But then I had to pick up a worthless college student. Not talkative. Took him just a few blocks from a dorm to an apartment. I gave him a bad rating - because I am spiteful. And then I picked up a woman with a baby. Took the baby to daycare and then took the woman to work. When that was over, I decided I was done and it was 5pm. I bought booze. I drank two Jack Daniels mini-bottles in the car on the way back to my parents. And beer when I got home.
My name is Desert Man
I live in a town in the United States, in a desert town. Soon, I'm moving to a desert city.
Recently, I've encountered some challenges. I got out of a relationship. A long one. One that I thought would last a long time. Possibly forever. I would have forced it to last forever, quite frankly. But then it ended.
Because it ended I moved to the desert. And what did I bring with me? A fat body. A drinking problem. Debt. Lots of debt. No job.
I moved in with my parents. I'm hiding the drinking problem and the debt from them. But not the fat body. That's hard to hide.
I was looking for a job in my field. I got a Master's degree in my field. I couldn't find a job in my field. I decided, because I have a car, that I could be a ride share driver. For Uber. There were challenges in that.
My car had damage on it. I had to get the damage repaired. So I did that. With my dad's help. It took much longer than I would have liked. And I have debt. The debt accumulates. I can't pay it. But I can't tell anyone either.
And so now, having struck out on a number of jobs in my field, I drive Uber in the desert town. It's not the best town to drive Uber in. There aren't a lot of people here. Furthermore, I live far outside of town. So I have to drive a long way before I find a rider. But I find riders.
I'll write about riders. I'll write about what I want. I'll write about what I end up getting. I don't feel I deserve readers. But I feel like at this point my life won't work if I don't write it down. I hope you enjoy it.
Recently, I've encountered some challenges. I got out of a relationship. A long one. One that I thought would last a long time. Possibly forever. I would have forced it to last forever, quite frankly. But then it ended.
Because it ended I moved to the desert. And what did I bring with me? A fat body. A drinking problem. Debt. Lots of debt. No job.
I moved in with my parents. I'm hiding the drinking problem and the debt from them. But not the fat body. That's hard to hide.
I was looking for a job in my field. I got a Master's degree in my field. I couldn't find a job in my field. I decided, because I have a car, that I could be a ride share driver. For Uber. There were challenges in that.
My car had damage on it. I had to get the damage repaired. So I did that. With my dad's help. It took much longer than I would have liked. And I have debt. The debt accumulates. I can't pay it. But I can't tell anyone either.
And so now, having struck out on a number of jobs in my field, I drive Uber in the desert town. It's not the best town to drive Uber in. There aren't a lot of people here. Furthermore, I live far outside of town. So I have to drive a long way before I find a rider. But I find riders.
I'll write about riders. I'll write about what I want. I'll write about what I end up getting. I don't feel I deserve readers. But I feel like at this point my life won't work if I don't write it down. I hope you enjoy it.
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