Desert Man is Drinking

Desert Man is watching a Golden State Warriors basketball game on DVR with dad.

Went for a desert walk today. Didn't see any rattlesnakes. Saw some lizards, saw some quail, saw a bull staring at me. And I listened to the memoir of Phil Knight, founder of Nike. While wearing Nikes. I enjoyed the experience.

What did I think about? I don't remember thinking about anything too stressful. I thought about how once I moved out of my parents' house I'd get into a running routine, running down a path just as the hot desert sun is setting over the big desert town to which I'm moving. I wondered if I'd mind commuting far to work.

But I mostly just listened to the audiobook and let myself be swept away by a story of a man in the process of making untold riches selling the very shoes I was wearing on my feet.

I'm drinking now, of course, even though I'd resolved otherwise.

I had the thought earlier that I'm not an alcoholic - that I just have a bad habit that I fight everyday. But I fight it everyday and lose. Something must be done. Something absolutely must be done.

Tomorrow, as mentioned, I go to the big desert town and look for apartments. I'm bringing my mom with me, and as I believe I said before I have no idea why. As a favor to her. She would like that. And I never know if I am making the right decision. I need her to affirm my decision making.

I don't remember what I was doing, shopping for a shirt maybe, and I was afraid of making the wrong decision. My brother was with me. He asked, "Are you always this afraid?" My God, I am always afraid.

The walk and the shower after, alternating hot and cold, were a good punctuation mark on a good day. The whole family walked to their residential community's model homes. The model homes were nice and we all had good laughs. The model homes made me wish I had more resources to live in a nice place. At my age, my dad had much more resources than I do now. He worked harder, but the world was different too.

I could work harder.

We had a tremendous brunch of hash browns, glazed ham, eggs florentine, and fruit salad. And then we hunted for Easter baskets. Then it was nap time. I didn't nap, but just looked at my phone. I said goodbye to my brother who went home and then I went for my walk.

And now I'm drinking.